“No” Police

(originally written 11/10/2017)

Poop
Asshole
Resilient
Easily Judged
‘No’ Police
T

A Back Story

My mom came to visit us (I say us, but really she came to visit Cheeky, Jr. – it’s fine, I’ve accepted it) last weekend. We were doing a little bit of shopping for her grandbaby (I may have slipped a few things in for myself… habits are hard to break, okay?).

“N” is for “Nicer”

Grammy Cheeks is walking behind me, and out of nowhere, she says, “I know what ‘N’ stands for – ‘N’ stands for ‘Nicer.’ People are so much nicer after they have kids.”

…I wonder to whom she was referring…

And as a response, I said, “No, Bitch, I already have N and it’s not ‘Nicer,’ okay?”

…Okay fine, I didn’t say that.

Would have totally proved her wrong though, AMIRIGHT?!?

(Just kidding, Mom, you know I’m just trying to be cool in front of my friends… don’t hate me… kbye talk to you tomorrow… bye)

Here’s a guilt-ridden picture to cool the tension. Also, don’t we look DANG CUTE!?

img-2250.jpg

“N” is for “‘No’ Police”

Raise your hand if you never say “No” to your children (yes, a double negative, and I’m killing it).

I SAID raise your hand if you never say “No” to your children.

OHHHH.. Here we go! We have a participant!

No One! Thank you (teacher’s pet) for raising your hand!

Alright, No One!

Is No One the only person who never says “No” to her children?

Going once,

Going twice…

Okay, No One, tell me how never saying “No” goes for you.

Turns out, ladies and gentleman, that No One is also apparently a mute, aside from not actually existing because she’s No One, which is why she doesn’t say “No” to her children.

Got it.

Onward, My Friends

To clarify, I’m not saying that I’m constantly telling Cheeky, Jr. “No”

(I mean, what do you consider constant? Who else has a 1.5 y/o in the house?)

I’m not saying, “No, Cheeky, Jr., don’t play with that toy,” or, “no, Cheeky, Jr., I don’t care if you’re hungry, I am NOT feeding you!”

Like, I may be a complete control freak, but I know the line.

My “No Anthem,” as you will, generally coincides with the A is for Asshole post – as in, I tell him “no” so many damn times, I feel like a huge freaking asshole.

Majority of the time it’s legitimately for his safety, you know?

Like, jeez child, Why are you always challenging your fate?

Some Examples

“No! Don’t unplug that [insert anything plugged into any outlet ever]”

“No! Don’t put that [insert anything plugged into any outlet ever] in your mouth!”

“No, I will not pick you up. Why? Because you have fully functioning legs, and my arms are tired from holding you, that’s why!”

“No! Don’t stick your hand in the toilet! Seriously, get out of there! OMG IT’S NOT FLUSHED! OMG OMG OMG GROSS… WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?”

“Oh. My. God, NO! STOP TOUCHING THAT! JUST BECAUSE IT DIDN’T STAY IN YOUR DIAPER DOESN’T MEAN IT’S FAIR GAME!”

‘Fuck!!! (Fuck, fuck, fuck) NO! The corner of your book doesn’t get slammed into my eye socket! EVER. JESUS! Just 5 more minutes of peace, okay? Please, baby, it’s only 5:30!”

Cheeky Things’ HQ’s Famous Monologue

“No, it is four in the morning, you are NOT getting out of bed right now!

“OMG. It’s still bed time. Lie down!!!

“DO YOU SEE ANYONE ELSE AWAKE RIGHT NOW? EVEN THE DOGS ARE SLEEPING!

“Go to bed, Sweetie.

“NO, Honestly? DO NOT PUT YOUR FEET IN MY FACE!

“Fuck it, fine, we’ll just wake up now and both of us will be miserable until the end of time

(five seconds later)

“No, I AM the parent! You don’t dictate what happens at 4 in the morning, I dictate what happens at 4 in the morning, and you’re going back to bed… Lie. Down!!”

(Lather, rinse, repeat)

Mama Cheeks’ Own “Easily Judging” Moment

I noticed this week that I am not an innocent bystander in the Easily Judging category (yes, as in I judge people, too, okay? It happens. I already admitted I have a hard time stopping myself from this!)

Story Time…

It was an odd day, where everyone in the household was up early. I decided to take advantage of the situation and let Cheeky, Jr. play with Papa Cheeks for a bit while I got ready for the day.

As I’m in the next room, I seriously hear Papa Cheeks say the word “No” at LEAST 5-10 times.

I get slightly pissed.

WHO is Papa Cheeks to tell my kid no? (aside from being Cheeky, Jr’s dad, but who’s taking roll here?)

WHY the hell is he saying no so many times? Can’t he just, like, chill for a minute and let Cheeky, Jr.. do his thing? Shittttt.

Flash Forward Two Days

I quickly realized how many times I say “No” in a 30 minute period.

Like, holy fuck, woman, have you created a monster or are you just a Control Freak “No” Policewoman who can’t let her kid chill for 30 minutes without jumping down his throat?

The answer is, no.

(Get it? Because I’m the “No” Police?)

(It’s also ‘no’ because I refuse to believe that I’m the only person who tells her kid not to put plugs into his mouth or to keep his hands out of toilets, or who freaks out when she is woken up at 4:00 AM and her babe thinks it’s time to play).

And there you have it, folks:

My short and not-so-sweet confession of a Kick-Ass, “Nicer” parent.

And, per usual:

The Moral

Next time you’re feeling like “NO” is the only damn thing coming out of your mouth, just know there’s a slew of us out there feeling the Exact. Same. Way.

The Solution

I have no solution for you except to ride it out, so…

Good luck!!

– Momma Cheeks

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